Disappearance of bhajan due to acute austerities

18 11 2012

Sri Kuladananda Brahmachari

I have heard that all conditions such as good or bad, pleasure or pain are always changing. I do not know how long this rare state of realizing  Thakur’s  grace is going to last in my fate. There is no certainty as to which day and which time and on what basis it will go away. Therefore let me engage myself heart and soul in worshipping as long as Thakur kindly keeps me in this condition. Driven by the anxiety, lest the auspicious moment passes by, I kept myself engaged wholeheartedly in ardent spiritual practice day and night. With the extraordinary influence of the land of yogis, my desire for intense spiritual practice kept growing day by day. I resorted to severe austerities. I started having one meal a day without taking even a handful of water from sunrise to sunset. I have so far taken boiled pulses with its husk, some other times I have taken fresh juicy ends of known and unknown creepers along with fifty grams of atta and salt. This gave good strength and freshness to my body. I have experienced enthusiasm, zeal, vigour and spiritedness all the time because of this. Now kneading less than fifty grams of atta in my hand and pressing it between my palms I drop it into the dhuni, press it into the ash and cover it with hot charcoal, I find it to have swollen into a beautiful ’kachuri’ when I pick it up after half an hour. I take prasad after offering it to Thakur along with salt and chilli. Be it for acute hunger or by Thakur’s grace, I eat with great satisfaction. Yet I am not satisfied with this austerity.

I have become very weak since some days. I am unable to get up from my asan in time and complete ablutions, bath and other rituals. I pant for breath on fetching one pitcher full of water from the Ganga, which is at a distance of one minute. I need to rest twice or thrice on the way. I cannot sit on the asan for a long time. At times I spend time lying down, my stomach burns due to hunger. On the other hand I find it difficult even to move my limbs due to tiredness. I feel like crying loudly. My tendency for tapasya, desire for austerity is not abetting even in this condition. Thakur had said,“The health must first be protected before all religious actions.” Days and nights are spent just bemoaning when the health is  unwell. I find that I cannot ignore physical pain at all. How am I to engage in spiritual practice? I had thought of getting rid of physical morbidity by stopping the intake of all sorts of sappy things. But I now find myself in danger due to extreme audacity. Seeing my miserable state, the sadhus are saying to me —’Knowing very well about the things that breakdown your health, you are doing just that. This is tantamount to committing suicide’. I am now lamenting the fact that I would have been immersed in Thakur’s naam day and night had there been no physical suffering. Being plunged into this crisis, I realised this clearly that in order to attain dharma, I have arrived exactly at that state where those sheltered by Guru, arrive at when they travel in the direction of their own wish. Thakur! Have mercy on me. Even performance of supreme dharma means to be adharma, when it is done without your order or without understanding your wish. I will eat dal and vegetables and satiate my hunger. I will get some milk also from Atmananda. My core dharma at this moment seems to be to keep my body fit and well. I resolved to give up extra austerity and follow Thakur’s instructions from tomorrow.

~Sri Sri Sadguru Sanga–For more information please visit http://www.gosaiji.com


Sadhana flourishes on service to people

16 11 2012


Sri Kuladananda Brahmachari

I woke up at 3 O’clock tonight. It is raining heavily.  I sat for some time on my asan motionless and repeated naam. I lay down again as I felt sleepy, I had to get up again after a little while. Rainwater kept dropping on my body. I meditated for sometime after readingthe Gurugita,. It is raining huge torrents. I went to Neeldhara. I sat on my asan after finishing ablutions. The rain stopped. Today the scene on the hill is very pleasant. Pieces of white clouds are rising close to the blue colored hill. I could not turn away my eyes on looking at the hill. I kept looking in that direction thinking of Thakur’s form. Overflowing emotion made my heart cheerful.

Today is ekadashi. I will observe fast without drinking water. The thought that there is no trouble of eating today created a flow of joy and zeal in me from early morning. I was sitting engrossed in naam on my asan-Atmananda came in with a glass of milk and said-“Dada, it is very cold today, tea is needed.” I said, ”Today is ekadashi, I am going to observe total fast—you all make your tea and drink.” Atmananda said—”But Barodananda, Inanananda don’t know how to make tea.” Atmananda returned sadly as I did not reply.

Thinking that the disturbance was over I started repeating naam. But I could not concentrate on naam. I could not bring back my earlier bhava within me in spite of trying a lot. Dryness and a burning sensation pervaded my mind. I thought, what has happened suddenly? Is it the consequence of not making tea for Atmananda and others? I stood up from the asan at once and went to Atmananda’s hut. Arranging everything by myself, I made excellent tea. Atmananda, Barodananda and Jnanananda were very satisfied on getting hot tea in the cold climate. I too brought along a glass of tea for Thakur. I felt like crying on offering tea to Thakur. As soon as I drank tea, Thakur’s pleasing memory appeared in my mind. I spent the whole day overwhelmed with the joy of naam. Throughout the day I remembered something that Thakur had said—’One day at the time of worship at the Brahmosamaj at Kolkata I had neither bhava nor bhakti-my heart was as dry as wood. Being unable to decide what to do I went outside to the road, fell at a coolie’s feet and prostrated to him. My heart became succulent instantly. Then I went and said prayers. The prayers were very good. On another day I disliked everything because of dryness, my mind could not settle down in my prayers—I prepared a chillum full of tobacco for a gate man, and the mind became succulent immediately, prayer also was conducted very well.’

I have heard that worship of God cannot be done by one who hurts another person for any reason. I have heard that if someone hurts mistakenly, even due to the right conduct of the devotee, then also the fruit of worship is lost immediately.

~Sri Sri Sadguru Sanga

Visit http://www.gosaiji.com for more info!

Jai Nitai and Thank You All!

26 03 2012

Jai Nitai!

I want to thank everyone who has given me a donation. I believe that I have thanked everyone individually, but if I missed anyone I apologize wholeheartedly. I received a lot of support and I feel blessed to have so many who care for me!


The reason for my absence and the inactivity of my blog.

26 11 2010


Guru and Nitai

I have basically left this blog inactive for a quite a while and I would like to explain why. First off we had to leave the shelter of Radhakund because India changed their visa laws which creates a great deal of trouble for many spiritualists who come there to practice their sadhanas and lead a spiritual lifestyle. Every six months I am forced to leave the country for two months before I am allowed to return. This makes me incur a great deal of extra, unplanned for expenses as well as an insecure feeling–never really feeling like you have any place to call home.

I had came down with a high fever just a short while before we were to return to Radhakund. Upon diagnoses it was discovered that I had Acute AML Leukemia. I was told that I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately or I faced near certain death in a short period of time. I was so sick that I agreed as it seemed to be my only option. The same day they had started me on a course of chemotherapy. I was hospitalized for over a month before the doctor thought I could be released. In another week I will be admitted again for another course of chemotherapy. This whole time I have been in Bangkok, Thailand.

I really don’t like leaving my blog inactive for so long and though Radhakund is my main source of inspiration, and all my resource materials are far from my reach, I will try to do my best to add some new posts.

I have posted a few things on another website and I believe I will begin by cross-posting  those things here first before seeking new material to post.

I thank whatever readers I have for their patience and to please forgive me for my lack of maintaining my blog.

Nabadwip Panch tattva making this information available to the suffering souls who have had no contact with Hari Nam nor with the contact of the Vaisnavas.


Jai Nitai! Jai Guru!


The twin Ramesvara Mahadevas

2 06 2010

In a recent article about the guardians of Radha Kunda, I mentioned how Ramesvara Mahadeva protected the west side of the kunda. I just learned that there are actually two Ramesvara Mahadev shrines and they are side by side. If you look closely in the first photo below you can see the shrine to Shiva that I originally posted.

We are losing the natural beauty of Braja and the Govardhan parikrama experience

31 05 2010

Jai Nitai!

We are all more or less aware of the destruction and insanity that it currently taking place in Brindavan in the name of “development.” Instead of trying to maintain the spiritual and cultural heritage which is the real wealth of India,  the current government is instead simply  interested  in quick money by  exploiting  India’s sacred areas and resources in their rush to fatten their purses and attain  first-world status which they  will never achieve by such careless and destructive behavior.

Jagat Ji informed me yesterday that on the 29th of May bulldozers were sent to Anyour, which is a small village  about four  kilometres south of the town of Govardhan on the parikrama marg and asked if I could get some photos. Grateful for the opportunity to do some seva I packed my camera, jumped on my bicycle, and wondered what I was going to encounter. Before actually arriving in Anyour I saw some buildings destroyed. I was a little confused because what they tore down with the bulldozers didn’t seem to follow any pattern. It looked random to me…as if they just picked and chose whatever they felt like destroying as they went.

The Government wants to install stone walkways on both sides of the marg and from what I have gathered,  anything within 21 meters of the center of the road will be cleared out so the road can be widened and the stone pathways can be installed. It appears that soon you will no longer be able to walk on the natural surface of the sandy ground when doing parikrama. Let’s all hope and pray that they leave the inner margs untouched.

So far the damage from the bulldozers is somewhat minimal, but that is soon about to change. There are literally hundreds of trees that have  the  red and white stripes painted on them which I was told by some managers of Brij Vasundhara luxury cottages means that they are to be cut down. I spoke with one man and his son who lost their entire house which included a puja room for a large Govardhan sila they worshiped. The  walls and ceiling of the puja room were smashed and collapsing. Giriraj was covered in dust and surrounded by broken chips of bricks and cement. The man was squatting on a little section of the roof of his house that was still standing with his chin in his hands contemplating what he should do.  I saw several Shiva-linga shrines, a mandir of Durga Ma, and many other sacred places that will soon be crushed by the bulldozers.

Yesterday they began pouring concrete on parikrama marg from the road leading to the south side of Manasi Ganga heading towards town. The road that runs along with the parikrama marg will all be widened and covered with concrete and both sides of the marg will have those three-sided interlocking stones covering the natural dirt pathways we all so much enjoyed traversing.  Nearly the entire road from Govardhan to Radhakund has been chopped up in preparation for the concrete that will eventually (probably soon)   be  poured and like everywhere else I saw, they are preparing for the stone walking paths to be laid.

I will post some photos that will give an idea what is happening on the parikrama  marg  now from beyond the town of Govardhan up to the area of Govinda Kunda. I hope to return tomorrow when the bulldozers are scheduled to come back and take more photos.

Ayi dina! Ayi dina!

29 05 2010

Yesterday was the tirobhav tithi of Sri Madhavendra Puri. Last night I went to Vyas Ghera to pay my respects to the sitting place of Madhavendra Puri. I was immediately greeted by friendly babajis inviting me to sit for prasad. I told them that I would prefer a cool drink instead of eating and I was given a couple of glasses of some delicious, cold beverage.

śeṣa-kāle ei śloka paṭhite paṭhite |
siddhi-prāpti haila purīra ślokera sahite ||Cc 2.4.196

“Madhavendra Puri recited this verse over and over again at the end of his life and because of it he attained siddhi.

ayi dīna-dayārdra nātha he
mathurā-nātha kadāvalokyase |
hṛdayaṁ tvad-aloka-kātaraṁ
dayita bhrāmyati kiṁ karomy aham || Cc 2.4.197

“O my beloved Lord, the friend of the afflicted. He Mathura-natha!  When, when shall I see you? Without seeing you my heart is perplexed, my beloved, and I am very restless! What am I to do?

Sitting place of Sripad Madhavendra Puri near Shyam Kunda