Disappearance of bhajan due to acute austerities

18 11 2012

Sri Kuladananda Brahmachari

I have heard that all conditions such as good or bad, pleasure or pain are always changing. I do not know how long this rare state of realizing  Thakur’s  grace is going to last in my fate. There is no certainty as to which day and which time and on what basis it will go away. Therefore let me engage myself heart and soul in worshipping as long as Thakur kindly keeps me in this condition. Driven by the anxiety, lest the auspicious moment passes by, I kept myself engaged wholeheartedly in ardent spiritual practice day and night. With the extraordinary influence of the land of yogis, my desire for intense spiritual practice kept growing day by day. I resorted to severe austerities. I started having one meal a day without taking even a handful of water from sunrise to sunset. I have so far taken boiled pulses with its husk, some other times I have taken fresh juicy ends of known and unknown creepers along with fifty grams of atta and salt. This gave good strength and freshness to my body. I have experienced enthusiasm, zeal, vigour and spiritedness all the time because of this. Now kneading less than fifty grams of atta in my hand and pressing it between my palms I drop it into the dhuni, press it into the ash and cover it with hot charcoal, I find it to have swollen into a beautiful ’kachuri’ when I pick it up after half an hour. I take prasad after offering it to Thakur along with salt and chilli. Be it for acute hunger or by Thakur’s grace, I eat with great satisfaction. Yet I am not satisfied with this austerity.

I have become very weak since some days. I am unable to get up from my asan in time and complete ablutions, bath and other rituals. I pant for breath on fetching one pitcher full of water from the Ganga, which is at a distance of one minute. I need to rest twice or thrice on the way. I cannot sit on the asan for a long time. At times I spend time lying down, my stomach burns due to hunger. On the other hand I find it difficult even to move my limbs due to tiredness. I feel like crying loudly. My tendency for tapasya, desire for austerity is not abetting even in this condition. Thakur had said,“The health must first be protected before all religious actions.” Days and nights are spent just bemoaning when the health is  unwell. I find that I cannot ignore physical pain at all. How am I to engage in spiritual practice? I had thought of getting rid of physical morbidity by stopping the intake of all sorts of sappy things. But I now find myself in danger due to extreme audacity. Seeing my miserable state, the sadhus are saying to me —’Knowing very well about the things that breakdown your health, you are doing just that. This is tantamount to committing suicide’. I am now lamenting the fact that I would have been immersed in Thakur’s naam day and night had there been no physical suffering. Being plunged into this crisis, I realised this clearly that in order to attain dharma, I have arrived exactly at that state where those sheltered by Guru, arrive at when they travel in the direction of their own wish. Thakur! Have mercy on me. Even performance of supreme dharma means to be adharma, when it is done without your order or without understanding your wish. I will eat dal and vegetables and satiate my hunger. I will get some milk also from Atmananda. My core dharma at this moment seems to be to keep my body fit and well. I resolved to give up extra austerity and follow Thakur’s instructions from tomorrow.

~Sri Sri Sadguru Sanga–For more information please visit http://www.gosaiji.com


Sadhana flourishes on service to people

16 11 2012


Sri Kuladananda Brahmachari

I woke up at 3 O’clock tonight. It is raining heavily.  I sat for some time on my asan motionless and repeated naam. I lay down again as I felt sleepy, I had to get up again after a little while. Rainwater kept dropping on my body. I meditated for sometime after readingthe Gurugita,. It is raining huge torrents. I went to Neeldhara. I sat on my asan after finishing ablutions. The rain stopped. Today the scene on the hill is very pleasant. Pieces of white clouds are rising close to the blue colored hill. I could not turn away my eyes on looking at the hill. I kept looking in that direction thinking of Thakur’s form. Overflowing emotion made my heart cheerful.

Today is ekadashi. I will observe fast without drinking water. The thought that there is no trouble of eating today created a flow of joy and zeal in me from early morning. I was sitting engrossed in naam on my asan-Atmananda came in with a glass of milk and said-“Dada, it is very cold today, tea is needed.” I said, ”Today is ekadashi, I am going to observe total fast—you all make your tea and drink.” Atmananda said—”But Barodananda, Inanananda don’t know how to make tea.” Atmananda returned sadly as I did not reply.

Thinking that the disturbance was over I started repeating naam. But I could not concentrate on naam. I could not bring back my earlier bhava within me in spite of trying a lot. Dryness and a burning sensation pervaded my mind. I thought, what has happened suddenly? Is it the consequence of not making tea for Atmananda and others? I stood up from the asan at once and went to Atmananda’s hut. Arranging everything by myself, I made excellent tea. Atmananda, Barodananda and Jnanananda were very satisfied on getting hot tea in the cold climate. I too brought along a glass of tea for Thakur. I felt like crying on offering tea to Thakur. As soon as I drank tea, Thakur’s pleasing memory appeared in my mind. I spent the whole day overwhelmed with the joy of naam. Throughout the day I remembered something that Thakur had said—’One day at the time of worship at the Brahmosamaj at Kolkata I had neither bhava nor bhakti-my heart was as dry as wood. Being unable to decide what to do I went outside to the road, fell at a coolie’s feet and prostrated to him. My heart became succulent instantly. Then I went and said prayers. The prayers were very good. On another day I disliked everything because of dryness, my mind could not settle down in my prayers—I prepared a chillum full of tobacco for a gate man, and the mind became succulent immediately, prayer also was conducted very well.’

I have heard that worship of God cannot be done by one who hurts another person for any reason. I have heard that if someone hurts mistakenly, even due to the right conduct of the devotee, then also the fruit of worship is lost immediately.

~Sri Sri Sadguru Sanga

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